One Year Ago Today

Wow, it's been an entire year since I wrote that first post...and here I am finally getting back to this blog. A friend of mine suggested that I blog because she told me I have a lot to say. To me that means I either talk too much or perhaps I really do have some thoughts to add to the world! A lot has happened since I started this blog...do you know what? Today is the same day one year ago that I started this blog...it's the first day of day light savings. I had great intentions last winter and then I was derailed by an ugly thing called anxiety. It happens to the best of us and I have been fighting anxiety my entire life. My attempt to be well has been foiled numerous times by my lifetime struggle with anxiety. And the anxiety took a whole new look last winter when it morphed into panic disorder. Have you ever had a panic attack? I can tell you that they are ugly!

So since I last wrote I have had some more ups and downs. I think this is a great example of how many of us have the best intentions to be healthy but often there are many road blocks standing in our way. For me it was all about striving to be a good mother and wife while attempting to start a new business while burying all of the grief I obviously had over my father and two close friends dying in the same year. Three deaths in one year could derail anyone. I thought I had it under control, but when I experienced my first panic attack I realized that I had not dealt well with any of it at all.

So...what did this lead to? Well, first of all it meant stopping what I actually love to do...which was teaching people about health and wellness. I was in such state that I needed to find space to rest my body and mind. I was fortunate that financially I could do this because I have a husband who could provide for us. I know, I was lucky. Not everyone has this type of time and space to recover. I felt thankful that I could slow down. I needed this time after 5+ years of running for my life after surviving cancer...pushing my body and mind to be healthy so that I could be here for my kids. The process exhausted me and finally, a year after losing my Dad, my spirit collapsed. And the panic attacks ensued.

Have you ever had a panic attack? When your body feels as if you are on the verge of a stroke? Or a heart attack? You have pressure in your chest and the world feels like it's caving in on top of you? It's scary as hell....no other way to say it...and it has taken me an entire year to recover from these horrifying moments. I still have days when my body recalls the experience and I wonder whether it is all happening again. It is those days when I have to allow myself to rest - both in body and spirit. And it is those days that I rely on all of the work that I have done with my therapist since the panic began.

So what now? I am back to teaching after taking a hiatus for a few months. I am back to preaching about health and wellness -- a place where I have always wanted to be since surviving cancer nearly 7 years ago. I feel like I have another chance -- yet another one! Because I have had numerous chances to be well over the past several years and for this I am so thankful! So here I am to tell you that this state of mind -- full of panic and anxiety - is something that you can move on from. If you have ever experienced this or this is something you are dealing with at the moment...please know that this is something that can be overcome. You can do it! I did.

So moving on...guess what? I have some important things to deal with today. I told my kids that I am throwing their Halloween candy away as of tonight. My husband just reported to me that my son was out in the back yard stashing his candy in various hiding places. I have some serious work to do! Till tomorrow...