When Everything Clicks...

I had one of those exercise moments today...it's been a long time coming, let me tell ya. I had the moment today where I actually felt GOOD on my 5 mile run. As a personal trainer with a high level of fitness you'd think that I would feel that way all the time. Not so. My life is usually so hectic, full of soccer games and practices for the kids and school obligations and responsibilities in the home, that I rarely feel optimal when I exercise. I do it most of the time because when I am not working as a personal trainer I know that I need to get my 45 minutes in...so I forget to enjoy it...which is such a shame.

For me, exercising is an utter privilege and to be honest I should approach it with joy every time I put on a pair of running shoes. It was only seven years ago that I was diagnosed with an extremely aggressive type of ovarian cancer. At the age of 35. In the prime of my life. At that time it was unclear whether I would live to ever feel well again...let alone go on to be a personal trainer and a person committed to inspiring others to seek a healthy lifestyle. So I am humbled by my good fortune...while I had an aggressive type of cancer I was just plain lucky to have found the cancer early enough to have a shot at living well again.

I spent most of the early years after surviving cancer in a frenzy to make my body whole again. I almost beat my body up. I had a theory that if I could push myself hard then somehow I could magically prevent the cancer from returning. This was obviously skewed thinking but I always felt empowered heading into the oncologist after running a marathon or a half marathon the day before. I reasoned that running 26 miles would somehow prove my wellness. No person could run 26 miles and have cancer, correct? Well, unfortunately this was all just magical thinking and in the process of working my body into the ground I became less aware of the sheer gift of simply being able to move my body each day!

My attempt to steel my body against further disease finally hit a major road block last winter when my spirit revolted and sent me into a difficult depression. That is the thing about bodies...there is a balance we must seek. Yes, it is important to exercise every day but there is also something to be said about going too far. I pushed too hard and finally something had to give. My subsequent depression was a painful reminder that I needed to get back to the basics...to seek balance of body, mind and spirit.

So I took a break and slowly got back to what I love to do: which is spreading the good word about health and wellness in my community. This has meant working hard to not over do my own exercise on a day-to-day basis, seeking outlets to nourish my soul, and eating well as much as possible. It has also meant attempting to balance all the demands in my life. Some days I struggle but other days I feel like I am forging ahead and perhaps I will eventually get it right.

Today was one of those days where all the stars aligned. It was a perfect Seattle morning -- 48 degrees and pouring rain. You gotta love Seattle! I had obviously done a good job of eating the previous day, being careful to hydrate and consume the right amount of protein and carbs. Interestingly enough my previous plans had to be canceled because I had to have work done on my car. So I was free of obligations that really were not that truly important anyway. And I headed out on a five mile run with a clear head and a strong body. And that one hour run reminded me of what I initially felt after surviving cancer...just pure joy. Joy for life. Joy for air. Joy for rain. Joy for clouds. Joy for cold. Joy for sweat. Joy for deep breathing. Joy for the complexities of the human body. How unexpected this little gift was this morning! Once again I am humbled by my good fortune.

So, when you have those moments where all the stars align and you feel as fierce as a warrior when you are exercising, consider what led up to that positive moment. What did you eat the day before? Did you get a solid 8 hours of sleep? Were you rested? Free from a hectic schedule? What conditions led to that moment? These are the conditions that we should try to re-create on a daily basis so that each of us is able to find some joy in our exercise routine. Yes, joy...you should all feel joy in relation to your exercise routine because it is in that realization that you will continue to pursue a healthy lifestyle.

A "Fall Back" Exercise

When I am feeling in a rut with exercise I like to change things up. It's tough to do the same exercise routine day in and day out. It just gets boring! Cross training is really the way to go. You work different muscles each day and you keep your routine interesting. And when I really can't bear to think about spinning or boot camping I get in the pool -- the place where I learned very early on about the joy of exerting oneself!

I was one of five children. All of us were hard-wired with frenetic energy and out of desperation my mother enrolled us on the swim team at the local YWCA. We siblings needed to be exercised like horses each day and swimming was the one exercise that seemed to actually chill us out. Most of the swimmers on the team were kids who were just giving it a try, but my time with the Puddle Jumpers began a love affair with water that lasted well into adulthood. I took to the water like an otter. I was happy to spend hours and hours slogging through the pool, up and back, up and back. For me the water felt like a warm cocoon...it was a place where I could feel safe, supported by the waves around me and free from the stress of the dry world above.

About two months into fighting cancer I remember my oncologist looked at me and told me it was time to get back in the pool. This was a professional who intuitively knew what made me tick...never mind that I had just undergone two difficult surgeries and was in the process of receiving chemo every few weeks. He knew that in order to get well again that I needed to get back to what gave me joy. So I took his advice and started swimming - bald head and all - at the local pool in my neighborhood in Magnolia. And, indeed, those times in the pool that year were some of the safest moments I had while fighting cancer.

Every time I have had tough times in my life I find myself heading back to the pool. I actually just went yesterday...not because times are tough per say, but because I needed a change from my usual routine and I needed a good work out. And once again I felt free. I felt joy. I jumped in my lane and started swimming a work out that I had created in my head and then lo and behold some guy wanted to join in. After 10 minutes in the pool I had the entire lane - about 8 people - who joined me in my work out. And it was just like being back at the Puddle Jumpers...just like being a kid again. We worked out hard and every one had a smile on their face as they climbed out of the pool and clambered over to the big hot tub to let their aging muscles rest up (something we didn't need to worry about when we were younger!).

So when you find yourself in an exercise rut or you are in the process of attempting to establish an exercise routine I recommend finding a "fall back" exercise. Go to something that feels familiar, something that you might look forward to doing. You don't have to do it all the time...just go to it when you are having trouble motivating yourself or looking for something to mix up your routine. Look back into your past and think about activities that made you feel alive and happy and well. Enjoy!

One Year Ago Today

Wow, it's been an entire year since I wrote that first post...and here I am finally getting back to this blog. A friend of mine suggested that I blog because she told me I have a lot to say. To me that means I either talk too much or perhaps I really do have some thoughts to add to the world! A lot has happened since I started this blog...do you know what? Today is the same day one year ago that I started this blog...it's the first day of day light savings. I had great intentions last winter and then I was derailed by an ugly thing called anxiety. It happens to the best of us and I have been fighting anxiety my entire life. My attempt to be well has been foiled numerous times by my lifetime struggle with anxiety. And the anxiety took a whole new look last winter when it morphed into panic disorder. Have you ever had a panic attack? I can tell you that they are ugly!

So since I last wrote I have had some more ups and downs. I think this is a great example of how many of us have the best intentions to be healthy but often there are many road blocks standing in our way. For me it was all about striving to be a good mother and wife while attempting to start a new business while burying all of the grief I obviously had over my father and two close friends dying in the same year. Three deaths in one year could derail anyone. I thought I had it under control, but when I experienced my first panic attack I realized that I had not dealt well with any of it at all.

So...what did this lead to? Well, first of all it meant stopping what I actually love to do...which was teaching people about health and wellness. I was in such state that I needed to find space to rest my body and mind. I was fortunate that financially I could do this because I have a husband who could provide for us. I know, I was lucky. Not everyone has this type of time and space to recover. I felt thankful that I could slow down. I needed this time after 5+ years of running for my life after surviving cancer...pushing my body and mind to be healthy so that I could be here for my kids. The process exhausted me and finally, a year after losing my Dad, my spirit collapsed. And the panic attacks ensued.

Have you ever had a panic attack? When your body feels as if you are on the verge of a stroke? Or a heart attack? You have pressure in your chest and the world feels like it's caving in on top of you? It's scary as hell....no other way to say it...and it has taken me an entire year to recover from these horrifying moments. I still have days when my body recalls the experience and I wonder whether it is all happening again. It is those days when I have to allow myself to rest - both in body and spirit. And it is those days that I rely on all of the work that I have done with my therapist since the panic began.

So what now? I am back to teaching after taking a hiatus for a few months. I am back to preaching about health and wellness -- a place where I have always wanted to be since surviving cancer nearly 7 years ago. I feel like I have another chance -- yet another one! Because I have had numerous chances to be well over the past several years and for this I am so thankful! So here I am to tell you that this state of mind -- full of panic and anxiety - is something that you can move on from. If you have ever experienced this or this is something you are dealing with at the moment...please know that this is something that can be overcome. You can do it! I did.

So moving on...guess what? I have some important things to deal with today. I told my kids that I am throwing their Halloween candy away as of tonight. My husband just reported to me that my son was out in the back yard stashing his candy in various hiding places. I have some serious work to do! Till tomorrow...